“No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.”
— Haruki Murakami
“No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.”
— Haruki Murakami
Several weeks ago, I had the privilege to interview a close friend and fellow trauma survivor. She is my twisted sister and heterolifemate. She helps keep me sane and she listens to me on the days when I’ve lost all sanity. She’s always there supporting me through whatever mess I’ve gotten myself into or whatever mess is going on in my head! And believe me it’s a mess over here! She is an incredibly talented writer, wonderful cook, exceedingly smart student, an amazing Mother to my favorite boy, a very hip lady style-wise, and a wonderful friend. As a survivor of domestic violence and sexual abuse, she has worked with a local foundation “People Against Rape” spreading hope and awareness to other survivors. Kristin shares her life with us on her blog “Fate Always Loses Hold”, where you’ll see bits of writing, book reviews, songs to live and die by, and of course updates on her life and my absolutely brilliant Godson Jude! If you want to meet a really groovy chick, she’s the epitome of groovy sipping coffee, wearing one of her librarian sweaters, reading classic literature, and catching up on all her BBC shows! I urge you to go check out her blog! In the meantime, read the interview I conducted with her below and please leave rad comments!
1. How old were you when you first experienced trauma?
I was 18. I experienced both spousal rape and domestic violence. The trauma lasted for five months.
2. Has your trauma changed you as a person?
Yes it has. It’s given me serious trust issues. For a long time it made me feel worthless and broken. I felt like the trauma had taken something from me that I couldn’t get back and that it would always define me. I thought I would never live a normal life. Though I still struggle with the trust issues, I have managed to let go of the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. It changed my views of love and relationships. I’ll never take anyone at their word again. Instead of believing someone when they say they love or care about me, I watch their actions instead. My views on what constitute a healthy relationship have also shifted, which I consider to be a positive change. I’m less trusting and it takes me a long time to open up to someone.
3. Has your trauma changed your views of the world and humanity?
In some ways, yes. But I’ve always known that humanity is kind of a mixed bag. I think if anything it’s expanded my views of what really constitutes evil. I used to think the things that made someone a bad person were obvious. But I’ve learned that it can be subtle and covered up under the guise of love and devotion.
4. Have you sought out therapy to deal with your trauma?
Yes I have. But I waited quite a while to start. I’d been struggling with symptoms I didn’t understand for at least two years before I finally entered therapy.
5. Were you diagnosed with post-traumatic stress? What were your feelings upon being diagnosed?
Yes I was diagnosed when I first entered therapy. I found an amazing therapist. When she first asked me why I was seeking treatment, I told her that I had been raped and physically abused by the man I married. She was the first person who called it rape and told me that it wasn’t my fault. A part of me felt relieved because there was an explanation for why I was struggling so much. Not just with the flashbacks and nightmares, but in every aspect of my life.
6. How has your disorder affected your life and personal relationships?
I pushed people out of my life constantly. I didn’t let anyone get too close. I didn’t share my trauma with friends or family. I waited for friends and boyfriends to mess up so I would have and excuse to end the relationship and blame them. I refused to be vulnerable, talk about my feelings, or trust others. It was nearly impossible to have any kind of relationship. There were a few friends that stuck through it with me despite it all. And when I started therapy and started to deal with my trauma, it only brought us closer.
7. What symptoms of post-traumatic stress have you presented with?
Nearly all of them. Flashback memories, recurring nightmares, reliving the traumatic event, avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that reminded me of the trauma, inability to recall parts of the trauma, decreased involvement in significant life activities, decreased capacity to feel certain feelings, expectation that one’s future will be somehow constrained in ways not normal to other people, difficult falling and staying asleep, problems concentrating, hyper-vigilance, irritability, angry outbursts, impairment in social relations and occupational activities. I also experienced dissociative symptoms. Depersonalization- watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. I especially experienced depersonalization in social activities and in romantic situations.
8. What symptoms have been the most difficult to overcome?
I think the feelings of hopelessness about the future, difficulty maintaining social relationships, difficulty with school and work, the sleep issues, and the trouble concentrating were hardest for me to get over. The flashbacks and nightmares were awful but they only lasted for so long. The other symptoms were constant. I felt like I had a concrete block on strapped to my chest all the time. The PTSD was such a heavy weight. It took away my ability to hope, dream, trust, and love.
9. Have you gotten to a place where your disorder no longer affects you? Do you believe such a place exists?
Not completely. Just last year I had a panic attack while out on a date with a very nice person. We’re not dating anymore but we are friends. He’s a genuinely good person that I do trust, but for some reason I just didn’t feel safe around him. In the middle of a movie date with him I started to have a panic attack. Recently my boyfriend and I got in to a fight (I call it a fight but really it was more like a civil discussion) about our sex life. I was feeling really overwhelmed and scared. My gut reaction was to just bail out of the relationship and never talk to him. Because having a conversation about sex and my PTSD was that scary. But I opened up to him anyway and it actually helped our relationship. He confided some insecurities and concerns he was struggling with and was supportive of my needs and concerns too. A year ago, I would not have talked things through with him. I would have just bolted. I think you can develop better coping skills. I think you can learn to suppress the false beliefs that PTSD puts in your head (the ones that tell you no one will love you, no one wants to deal with your trauma, everyone will leave you eventually, etc.). But do I think there’s some magical place where you never have another nightmare, never have another flashback, never relive the trauma, never jump when someone sneaks up on you? No, I don’t. But I think PTSD can become manageable. I think you can get to a point where it doesn’t define you or how you live your life.
10. What would you most like to say to others struggling with trauma and/or post-traumatic stress disorder?
“Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and future dreams, knotted up in a reasonably attractive bundle of flesh. I remember what this flesh had gone through; I dream of what it may go through. I record here the actions of optical nerves, of taste buds, of sensory perception. And, I think: I am but one more drop in the great sea of matter, defined, with the ability to realize my existence.”
— Sylvia Plath
In a continued effort towards spreading awareness, we are now going to be blogging a monthly feature on an individual who has overcome or is currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. My aim is ideally toward those who’ve been diagnosed as a result of child abuse and/or domestic violence, though I would love to hear anyone’s story! I invite anyone to message me! If you’ve been diagnosed or you believe you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, I would love the opportunity to interview you. This could be as involved as connecting over Skype or as simple as my emailing you a set of questions. I would love for those willing to send a picture with their story. I think it would be amazing to receive a vlog response. Should you have a WordPress, Twitter, Tumblr, etc… I would also love to link to it in the article. However, if this is too much for you, please do not feel hesitant, this can be anonymous for those who wish it so! At the end of the day, what matters most is how comfortable you are. What matters most is your personal safety. I’ve two features thus far. They will debut shortly. I look forward hopefully to many many more. Should you wish to contribute, please throw a comment at this. Thank you so much! Your story matters!
Darling, you’ve been poisoned
This week has been a rather extreme mix of good and bad. I shall begin with the good. I am in The Footlight Players production of “Camelot” that will open end of this summer. I’ve been cast as ensemble, which isn’t bad considering I’ve been absent from theatre for over five years now. Rehearsals take up most nights of the week and I’m absolutely falling in love with a few fellow cast members. I had forgotten what it felt like to be surrounded by people as liquid and maleable as myself. I often feel alone and misunderstood, this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder and I believe this is also common among those in the artistic community. Being surrounded by people who, like myself randomly burst into song and enjoy pretending to be someone else… Well, suddenly I feel acceptance and understanding again in a way that I’ve not felt with anyone else except other trauma survivors. I believe community in terms of trauma is incredibly important, but I also believe that one must have feelings of understanding and acceptance elsewhere in the world. Everything cannot be tied to our trauma, as we are working to overcome it. Friends are wonderful support systems. However, often it seems our friends are our opposite in many ways, and though you share many interests, you’ve separate passions. This is when one must find her own place in the world, among people whose pursuits are of a simliar nature. My place is most definitely among fellow actors. They play with me, inspire me, and challenge me. I am thrilled to be involved in theatre again.
On with the bad! I am a very honest person. So much so that many people have been hurt by my honesty in the past. I don’t really know how to be any different and I don’t really want to be. I’ve always appreciated the truth from others, even when the truth was impossibly hard to hear. I’d rather receive a harsh truth than an easy lie. I value people with the strength to tell it like it is, rather than tell it how you want it to be. I request this from people I’m close to and in return they know they can receive it from me. I lost someone recently who I thought was a friend. I know my honesty took major part in that, but I don’t regret being brutal. I feel as though my friend needed to hear what I had to say. I hope she steps outside of herself long enough to consider some of my words. I will not mourn losing her, but be grateful for what we had. What can I say? I’ve changed. We changed. It turns out that some friendships don’t survive change. I hope that in the years to come I can reflect happily on the decade we spent together. The decade we were there for each other. The decade we grew up.
Now to address the truly awful… My means of transportation would seem parked for the foreseeable future. I hydroplaned into the wall of an interstate off ramp the other night. I was not driving fast and I am fine. The cosmetic damage to my car was minimal, however real damage done to the car is still awaiting an inspection by a good mechanic. I’d rather not hash out the details of it’s disrepair, as it would only continue to scare me out of my wits. I’m going to drive it, albeit very slowly, to the shop tomorrow. I’ll likely spend all the money I have just on a diagnosis. My primary concern is whether or not my car is fixable. Should it not be, I’ll be at a complete loss as of what to do. It is over a decade old and would definitely not sell at a good price, thereby my only option is to fix it. So that simply has to be an option. I have to have the possibility to do so. Should there be an omnipotent supreme being floating around the celestial orbed sky often referred to as the heavens, it is in this hour that I most require his assistance. I call upon you Lord, please provide some assistance in this my hour of need. I do hope someday I might love you as I am told you love me.
My name is Jordan. I am a twenty-five year old woman living in Charleston, SC. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder as the result of years of abuse. I am taking the bad days with the good and just trying to find a happy medium.
“I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees & fed my houseguests bark & leaves & laughed in my pretty bed of green. Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer & fell asleep. Now I’m old & feeling grey. I don’t know what’s left to say about this life I’m willing to leave. I lived it full & lived it well. There’s many tales I’ve lived to tell. I’m ready now, I’m ready now, I’m ready now to fly from the highest swing, I had a dream.”